A Personal Thing.
For some time I've wanted to talk in detail about a period of my life that I went through to hopefully people in same position. This was a very dark stage of my life and something that I hope I never will or want to experience again and this topic is Self Harm.
The NHS description:
Self-harm is when somebody intentionally damages or injures their body. It is a way of coping with or expressing overwhelming emotional distress.
Honestly I slightly disagree with this description as Self harm in my eyes is a lot bigger than that. Its not only displayed physically but in my case mentally. Im going to discuss my experiences emotionally with physical and mental impacts.
The most common are the physical impacts...
Actually physically hurting myself to somehow relieve the sort of pain I was feeling was pretty much the last process of my dark times. I never did it where someone would see as I wasn't doing this for attention but I honestly thought that it would relieve pain and hurt. The internet didn't help I remember reading things about self harm that were encouraging me to do it.
The first of my physical methods was something that I don't think most of my family thought that I would ever do/be. I was mixing myself I suppose with people that were maybe encouraging me to do things that I would have never done. I was drinking a lot (mainly very cheap vodka) and smoking heavily. I was also very vulnerable to being peer pressured into certain situations or on the opposite end of the scale just having a f*ck it lifestyle not really thinking anything through. Some that might not really seem like a big deal but at the time were. I was getting into a lot of trouble at school with detentions and actually being asked to leave the boarding house after our exams as a group of us were causing trouble.
My method of the worst physical harm wasn't the norm with using razor blades and attacking my wrists, as living at school they thought it would be a good idea to take things from me in the case that I did use them. They didn't take one thing and most people probably wouldn't think of taking this from someone who was suffering. Drawing pins. Yes not the most conventional thing you hear, but as graphic as it sounds I would actually stick these in the backs of my thighs where no one would ever see that I was hurting myself. The less drastic method would be having several thick hairbands around my wrists and pulling and pinging them until my wrist would become red and raw.
Because I wasn't covering my arms or common areas where people may self harm it went unnoticed and it continued for around a year.
The emotional/mental impacts...
This is where it started really I was having major mood swings and I would be grumpy pretty much 24/7. I think many thought I was just being a hormonal grumpy teenager with her GCSE's stressing her out just around the corner. I would be moody with my friends. Obviously moody to those who I never like anyway making it pretty clear that I really didn't like them. I was often quite blunt and borderline rude to my teachers, whom most just palmed off as me suffering in my situation that they really knew nothing about but pretended to which probably made things 1000x worse.
I wasn't attending social events or just trips into town on a Friday with my friends that before this period of events was the norm. I was extremely anti-social and would normally just sit on my phone staring at a blank screen at lunch or blocking out everything around my with music. Music was my escape and to this day it still is.
I would tell myself that I wasn't good enough I would continually tell myself that I would and will fail everything. Even telling myself that I had no self worth for being on the planet. And I have to admit I did experience suicidal thoughts, this never turned into actions as luckily my friends and teachers began to notice something was wrong and that I needed serious help.
How I actually got help....
I seem never to do things the normal way, but I was continually experiencing feeling very poorly with many trips to the doctors for them to find nothing actually wrong with me. It wasn't until one day where I saw a locum doctor who had never meet before and he actually asked me how I was feeling and with that I crumbled and broke down in tears. He could tell without me saying anything else I needed help. Finally someone who noticed and understood.
I was referred to a councillor that was paid for by the NHS and was based in my town of Hereford in what looked like a bungalow that no one lived. And for the inside I can tell you it didn't get much better, white walls, the smell of bleach, no pictures just the one fake pot plant in the corner and locks on every door. It's what I imagine a mental institute to be and that's how it made me feel. The person made me feel actually guilty for the things I had done and how I was feeling or treating those closest to me. I was having no of it but I had to stick with this person for about 3 weeks until I literally couldn't take any more!
It wasn't till I found the councillor that actually operated at my school during my first year a sixth form I actually began to be happy. She was the nicest person in the world and I would have my sessions in either my boarding room or common room where I felt more comfortable. She never made me feel guilty for my actions and would just let me say anything I wanted and all cussing was allowed making everything more real and I was able to find the root of my anger and distress and begin to rebuild my life as I know today.
My simple advice points are:
Let your friends and family talk to you they do actually know you sometimes better than you know yourself trust me!!
Find someone who you are comfortable talking to whether its a parent, friend, sibling or someone with professional experience.
Make sure you do most of the talking, not them after all its you who is the most important!
Keep yourself and mind positive, with whatever that makes you actually happy for long periods of time. this could be creating art, listening to music, writing a blog the list is endless and should be personal to you!
The internet sometimes helps watch advice from people battling the same things on YouTube. But obviously be careful on what you actually click on!
Remember talking, shouting, singing. It all helps!!!
Thankyou x
The NHS description:
Self-harm is when somebody intentionally damages or injures their body. It is a way of coping with or expressing overwhelming emotional distress.
Honestly I slightly disagree with this description as Self harm in my eyes is a lot bigger than that. Its not only displayed physically but in my case mentally. Im going to discuss my experiences emotionally with physical and mental impacts.
The most common are the physical impacts...
Actually physically hurting myself to somehow relieve the sort of pain I was feeling was pretty much the last process of my dark times. I never did it where someone would see as I wasn't doing this for attention but I honestly thought that it would relieve pain and hurt. The internet didn't help I remember reading things about self harm that were encouraging me to do it.
The first of my physical methods was something that I don't think most of my family thought that I would ever do/be. I was mixing myself I suppose with people that were maybe encouraging me to do things that I would have never done. I was drinking a lot (mainly very cheap vodka) and smoking heavily. I was also very vulnerable to being peer pressured into certain situations or on the opposite end of the scale just having a f*ck it lifestyle not really thinking anything through. Some that might not really seem like a big deal but at the time were. I was getting into a lot of trouble at school with detentions and actually being asked to leave the boarding house after our exams as a group of us were causing trouble.
My method of the worst physical harm wasn't the norm with using razor blades and attacking my wrists, as living at school they thought it would be a good idea to take things from me in the case that I did use them. They didn't take one thing and most people probably wouldn't think of taking this from someone who was suffering. Drawing pins. Yes not the most conventional thing you hear, but as graphic as it sounds I would actually stick these in the backs of my thighs where no one would ever see that I was hurting myself. The less drastic method would be having several thick hairbands around my wrists and pulling and pinging them until my wrist would become red and raw.
Because I wasn't covering my arms or common areas where people may self harm it went unnoticed and it continued for around a year.
The emotional/mental impacts...
This is where it started really I was having major mood swings and I would be grumpy pretty much 24/7. I think many thought I was just being a hormonal grumpy teenager with her GCSE's stressing her out just around the corner. I would be moody with my friends. Obviously moody to those who I never like anyway making it pretty clear that I really didn't like them. I was often quite blunt and borderline rude to my teachers, whom most just palmed off as me suffering in my situation that they really knew nothing about but pretended to which probably made things 1000x worse.
I wasn't attending social events or just trips into town on a Friday with my friends that before this period of events was the norm. I was extremely anti-social and would normally just sit on my phone staring at a blank screen at lunch or blocking out everything around my with music. Music was my escape and to this day it still is.
I would tell myself that I wasn't good enough I would continually tell myself that I would and will fail everything. Even telling myself that I had no self worth for being on the planet. And I have to admit I did experience suicidal thoughts, this never turned into actions as luckily my friends and teachers began to notice something was wrong and that I needed serious help.
How I actually got help....
I seem never to do things the normal way, but I was continually experiencing feeling very poorly with many trips to the doctors for them to find nothing actually wrong with me. It wasn't until one day where I saw a locum doctor who had never meet before and he actually asked me how I was feeling and with that I crumbled and broke down in tears. He could tell without me saying anything else I needed help. Finally someone who noticed and understood.
I was referred to a councillor that was paid for by the NHS and was based in my town of Hereford in what looked like a bungalow that no one lived. And for the inside I can tell you it didn't get much better, white walls, the smell of bleach, no pictures just the one fake pot plant in the corner and locks on every door. It's what I imagine a mental institute to be and that's how it made me feel. The person made me feel actually guilty for the things I had done and how I was feeling or treating those closest to me. I was having no of it but I had to stick with this person for about 3 weeks until I literally couldn't take any more!
It wasn't till I found the councillor that actually operated at my school during my first year a sixth form I actually began to be happy. She was the nicest person in the world and I would have my sessions in either my boarding room or common room where I felt more comfortable. She never made me feel guilty for my actions and would just let me say anything I wanted and all cussing was allowed making everything more real and I was able to find the root of my anger and distress and begin to rebuild my life as I know today.
My simple advice points are:
Let your friends and family talk to you they do actually know you sometimes better than you know yourself trust me!!
Find someone who you are comfortable talking to whether its a parent, friend, sibling or someone with professional experience.
Make sure you do most of the talking, not them after all its you who is the most important!
Keep yourself and mind positive, with whatever that makes you actually happy for long periods of time. this could be creating art, listening to music, writing a blog the list is endless and should be personal to you!
The internet sometimes helps watch advice from people battling the same things on YouTube. But obviously be careful on what you actually click on!
Remember talking, shouting, singing. It all helps!!!
Thankyou x
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